A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
~Artie Lange

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And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.
~Artie Lange

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But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
~Artie Lange

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By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.
~Artie Lange

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Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.
~Artie Lange

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I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
~Artie Lange

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I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.
~Artie Lange

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I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.
~Artie Lange

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I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
~Artie Lange

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I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking.
~Artie Lange

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If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard's money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.
~Artie Lange

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Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.
~Artie Lange

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The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
~Artie Lange

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The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
~Artie Lange

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Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.
~Artie Lange

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When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.
~Artie Lange

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When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.
~Artie Lange

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